When someone asks me what my five year plan is, I laugh.
Since as far back as I can remember, things have never gone according to plan (my plan that is). There are so many variables, it makes it impossible to predict. “How many kids do you want to have?”, “where do you want to settle down?”, “how much school do you have left?”, “when are you going to Uganda?”, or “when will Joy be back in Canada?” Answer to all of the above: I. DON’T. KNOW. But I don’t blame you for asking. We officially began the process to adopt Joy almost two years ago (which began after yeeeears of events leading up to it), and thought we would have lived in and been back from Uganda by now. What will tomorrow bring? I don’t know. What will five years from now bring? I have no dang clue.
Sometimes I wonder if there is any correlation between what I am feeling inside, & what is happening ‘out there’ – wherever that may be. I wonder if I can reach my hands out to heaven, push with all my might, and end up moving God? Or maybe if I pull down as hard as I can, I could ring the bells that command the whole earth to move? How can the world be so motionless and quiet, when inside my heart is a groan loud enough to shift the tide? Pent up frustration, unrelenting exasperation, overwhelming desperation – they all ring loudly in my ears, but when I look out: stillness. What is happening in my heart does not parallel what is happening out there. Out there, where the decisions are made. Out there, where we are dwarfed by the giants of the law.
A government employee clocks into work, then clocks back out, not knowing their choices could change our lives. Or do they? They have the power to alter whether our week is spent in silent waiting (again), or in excited productivity for our future. They could shorten the days that separate us from our daughter, making it one less that Joy lives without parents. How can they not hear the screams inside me? Don’t they hear the bells? Why isn’t it making them move? If my might is so powerless, why do I bother? – I’m only kicking up dirt and causing a fuss.
& I’m tired.
One day I will see the other side. One day I will tell stories of God’s perfect timing. One day the pain will be far enough behind me that I forget its sting. But now, in the thick of what feels like injustice, I commit to remembering this feeling,
so perhaps someday, I can be part of the solution.
We’d appreciate you joining us in prayer as we continue to wait on our government & their delayed phone calls and decisions…
Photo by Kelly Margaret Photography.